This Morning Practice experiment - Final Reflections

I mentioned that I’m wondering about whether or not to take this little morning practice experiment, this digital journal, where I post my morning pages from my cozy, mostly-invisible-to-the-world blog, to Substack and/or Instagram. So I thought I’d spend some time today thinking it through.

Pros: Why I should move this project over to other platforms

Publishing a digital journal might be interesting to some people?

Sometimes I think no one else could possible care about this little morning practice of mine which includes analog journaling and visual journaling, and then posting about what I’m making and thinking. But I know I really enjoy reading and seeing other artist’s work and process so maybe there are others out there like me.

Surprisingly, I have found ease in digital journaling.

I think I can say that I’ve never found writing blogs/newsletters or posting to social media easy. I’ve never been able to consistently post anywhere because, I think, I’m not a natural “sharer”, I’m vulnerabability-challenged. I hide a lot. And I often lose momentum and focus. And most of all, sometimes writing posts has been really hard. I get lost in what to say and how to say it. And then I avoid. And then I stop.

Posting this way, though? Easy. It takes very little time to scan one pic, upload it to the blog, write a few paragraphs ( and hit publish. Done. A lot easier than writing a full newsletter or blog post on one or more topics.

I’m getting a lot out of this project and I do want to continue doing it.

It’s never been a question of whether or not I will continue filling sketchbooks and journals. I’ve done that now for years and I love to create in sketchbooks. It’s where I play and learn and develop ideas—and I like to think other more developed work comes out of it. Certainly I am better for the practice. Both as an artist and a human.

Maybe I also want an audience. This is probably the number one reason to move this digital journal over to Substack and share bits, too, on Instagram, but such an admission feels…vulnerable. Who am I to want an audience?

Like I said, this project has been an experiment to learn whether or not I can—or want to—share this practice with others. To share myself. And yes, for all the stops and starts and avoiding sharing online, I’m like a moth attracted to the lantern. I keep wanting to share. And this past month it’s felt really good to express myself in this way. To express myself on paper and then to express the experience of making online. All that is missing, actually, might be an audience.

Ye, art and life are to be shared. There might be connection. What I do and say might help someone else. Having others receive this work might feel good. And right. Maybe it’s okay to want an audience.

Cons: Why I should NOT move this project over to other platforms

I won’t be able to sustain the project in public, long term.

Whether or not I will keep going is probably the largest and most realistic fear. The evidence of me using social media proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won’t sustain the sharing part of the project. Again, I will keep filling sketchbooks. I think after this many years I can confidently say that I will keep creating, which begins in the safety of the sketchbook. But just as consistently, I regularly lose interest in sharing. For all I’ve gone on about above how much I want to share not just my work, but to share my expression, my self—sometimes I just don’t want to do the work, to put myself out there. To share.

No one will want this

Yeah, that voice in my head about not being of interest never goes away. And I think my lack of consistency in showing up, which results in few followers, seems to prove that no one is interested. But even if it’s true, which has not been proven because I actually haven’t shown up consistently, does it really matter? Why would I let others decide for me whether I show up or not?

I will hem myself in to rules I won’t want to live by.

Part of why I lose interest in sharing online—or even doing any project I set up for myself that requires I perform certain functions repeatedly—is that I fail at performing functions repeatedly. With this Morning Practice experiment, I’ve set it up so that I take some time 1)every morning to 2) journal briefly then 3)draw in my sketchbook 4)with black ink, 5)scan the image, 6)upload it and share something about the experience and 7) hit publish. This is what I am proposing to myself to do on substack, and then 8) share it on Notes, and then 9) share on instagram.

but what if I miss days? Or I work in the afternoon? Or I want to collage instead of draw? What if I don’t have time to complete all nine steps?

I get resentful. I feel like I failed. I stop.

Wow. Laying out all the thoughts and emotions going into this decision to share online has been enlightening. The reasons why I DO want to share online, the Pros, are true. Going back to the beginning of this Morning Practice experiment, I thought that I should bring this project to more social media because maybe it might be interesting to other people…but I think I need to acknowledge that I list here three other deeper reasons that don’t have to do with doing it for other people, but for myself:

1) Because I finally hit on a writing process that is relatively easy which mean sustainable,

2) Because I’m getting a lot out of the project if both creating and writing, and

3) Because—probably the truest truth—I want an audience (as hard as that is to admit to myself, someone who generally runs from audiences). Not only that, but why do I want an audience? I think I am more interested in what I will get out of sharing—which to me sounds pretty selfish and counter to why someone should want an audience. It should be for them.

My cons are more practical. My critical self constantly tells me that no one cares, but I don’t totally believe that. Maybe someone would in fact get something out of this work—but regardless, it might be true that no one really will want to see what I make and read what I have to say. Probably true for a lot of people. So what? And it’s definitely true that I won’t sustain such a project, both because I go in and out of interest and because of all the rules I set up for myself.

What is up, Denise?

I think it’s much easier to choose to “be” a “content creator” if it’s part of your job. If I was contemplating making a business, then my pros and cons lists would be different. Pros: If I could attract an audience of x number of people, that would lead to x dollars. I enjoy this kind of work so why not make it my job? I want to serve people in this way, as my job (it beats many other jobs!) Cons: Maybe I couldn’t attract x number of people. Maybe I’ve set up the project unsustainably.

With that algorithm, I’d tell myself to test the “If”. Could I attract x number of people? Which strategies might work? And how can I set it up for sustainability? Which process strategies on the backend might work?

Easy decision: try it! Set up my life so I would have at least some time (and supporting income) to work on my business, give it my all, test the heck out of it, and then I’ll end up either failing or succeeding. Either way: worth the effort.

But I am not proposing a business here. I am proposing that I choose as a creative project something that fulfills me—to write, draw, paint and collage and then share what I do and what I think. this creative project is about self expression in public - because I feel like my art is not complete without an audience. Yes, that’s it. I need to close the loop. Art is meant to be shared. I believe that.

I guess my ambivalence comes down to audience. I both run from and to it. So maybe the real list I need to make is: what are the pros and cons of an audience:

Pros

Others receive my work, which gives it a purpose beyond myself

I might receive feedback and engagement and even maybe connection

It might help others - or impact them in some way

I would feel fulfilled in that the full art process would feel complete

Cons

I place meaning of my work on others rather than myself

I have to reveal myself—be vulnerable

I have to show up consistently (or no audience) and that is a responsibility

Uh huh. That’s it. Are the clear benefits worth the costs? Clearly, I’ve found meaning in my work for what it gives me—but I’d have to shift finding meaning from myself to others. I’d definitely have to reveal myself and battle all those insecurities in public to some extent and yes, I would be taking on a responsibility to others as well as myself.

I guess the real question comes down to this: Are purpose and connection worth the sacrifice of responsibility and vulnerability?

I’ll let you know.