(Release) Self Judgement 52 Cards Project #22
/This week’s theme for my 52 Cards Project is a little hard to talk about because I’m going to have to explain it, to be understood, and that’s going to require some vulnerability—but here goes.
I’ve been feeling awful about my art lately.
Well, not about this project—I’m really happy with these weekly theme cards I’m making. I’m surprising myself and a week doesn’t go by that I’m not super pleased with the ideas and the expression that comes from this project. And I’m super grateful for this project because right now these cards are about all I’ve had to show for my creative self.
Besides this one card I make each week, though, I haven’t produced anything “good” in the last month. I’ve kept up my daily art practice—these days I never let a day go by without doing something, if even for five minutes—but nothing felt right, I felt panicky and uncertain and just spiraled from there into constant self-doubt.
So I didn’t consciously recognize this spiral I was in. I mean, I’ve been here before—many times. I can be humming along, drawing and painting and learning, and then before I know it, the questions begin to circle and I’m in my head.
And the questions aren’t so nice. ‘What are you doing? Are you really making anything of value? Who are you creating for? Who are you to make art?
Anyway, it’s been a tough few weeks, I’ve felt lost and confused, creatively, and very alone—I didn’t dare share my “bad” art and I didn’t dare share my feelings because “real” artists never feel this way, right?
Oh yes, I can be very harsh.
So ANYWAY. That’s where I was, but this week, (and I’d say finally, but knowing the nature of spirals I’ll probably forget and remember many more times)—but this week I got it:
I am super self critical and I live and breathe in self judgement.
I mean—just look at the air I spiraled in: “good”, “bad”, “of value”…
Who am I to judge?
Why judge at all?
I know better. And I need to talk more about art and self judgment. But for now—to explain this week’s theme card—this week I decided to release this self judgement and begin real practice of self acceptance. Like radical self acceptance. Absolutely no more judging. I’ll talk more about that, too, in the coming days.